On a first date, 27-year-old Ellie Hecht has a list of key questions to help her assess a potential partner.
The most important among these is not how many siblings he has, his favourite film, or even whether he wants children. No, her opening gambit is: ‘Are you open to therapy?’ It’s a question that would likely shock the best of us, and you’d forgive many 20-something men for scoffing.
Yet that’s a red flag for Ellie. For while previous generations of women hunted for men with a GSOH (good sense of humour), a good job and their own car, for Gen Z women desirable dating qualities include being in possession of a ‘self-care tool box’.
Indeed many, like Ellie, wouldn’t even consider dating a man who wouldn’t consider therapy. ‘That’s at the top of my list,’ she says. ‘Also on my list are ‘vulnerability’ and ‘strong communication skills’. Everyone wants a partner who is kind and emotionally aware, and therapy helps foster these traits.
‘On first dates I bring therapy up with guys straight away. While most respond positively, it helps weed out those who aren’t serious. If someone isn’t open to it, then we’re probably not aligned in how we approach emotional wellbeing. Being open to it shows you’re ready to grow and better yourself.’
One in three 18- to 24-year-olds now report symptoms of common mental health problems, such as depression or anxiety disorder – up from one in four in 2000 – with more than half a million being prescribed antidepressants in 2021-22.
Many members of Gen Z now document their mental health journeys on social media, with one US study finding that one in five of them – and millennials – are in therapy, with 55 per cent having already experienced it.
So perhaps it’s no surprise that women such as Ellie – the CEO of a legal recruitment and consultancy firm who says she is ‘comfortable talking about having previously taken antidepressants’ – are bringing therapy speak into their sex and romantic lives.
Benedicta Owusu, Lydia Newberry and Ellie Hecht are among women who wouldn’t consider dating a man unless he was open to therapy
Star Freudenberg, 32, decided eight years ago that she would only date men who were open to therapy but soon found that not everyone subscribed to her philosophy
Ellie started therapy aged 20 when her first relationship broke down after three years of dating. ‘Therapy wasn’t a thing in my parents’ day. But at 17 I had moved to London from Yorkshire and I had a huge amount to process after the relationship had ended,’ she says.
‘I needed help to understand my emotions and navigate my feelings. It gave me a sacred place and it meant I didn’t burden my friends. I would do therapy every week if I could.
‘It’s taught me so much about self-awareness, emotional responsibility and helped me build healthier coping mechanisms.’
And so, like many of her friends, she now considers therapy an ‘essential’ in future relationships. ‘I didn’t immediately decide to only date men who had been to therapy, but hitting rock bottom myself helped me appreciate how transformative it can be.’
But while prioritising emotional intelligence over a six-pack is certainly to be applauded, is Gen Z’s insistence that everyone must be open to therapy a good thing? Even experts aren’t convinced it is.
Relationship and dating coach Mila Smith warns there is a danger in putting too much emphasis on therapy.
‘This generation has been taught from a young age to put themselves and their mental health first,’ she says.
‘For those who have had therapy it might have led them to a better understanding of their own emotions and behavioural patterns.
‘Without a doubt, women and men who understand themselves are more likely to find a compatible partner and build a healthy relationship.
‘But such awareness can be helpful only in moderation, and as long as it doesn’t create another set of myths and unrealistic expectations.
‘It could lead to lack of confidence and independent thinking when people always rely on someone [their therapist] to come up with answers and solve problems for them.’
Today, Ellie, whose longest relationship was four years, has been single for three years.
27-year-old Ellie Hecht started therapy aged 20 when her first relationship broke down after three years of dating and says it taught her about self-awareness and emotional responsibility
Benedicta Owusu, 21, first dated a man who had been in therapy when she was in her late teens and says it ‘was a revelation to discover they respected and listened to my feelings’
‘I’ve dated a few people who have had therapy,’ she says. ‘You can tell the difference. they’re in touch with their emotions, more open to honest conversations and are not afraid of opening up about their history and past traumas.
‘I dated a guy from the US where therapy is totally normal and seen as part of everyday life. He’d often say: ‘My therapist says…’ I feel lucky that most people in my circle see therapy as a positive thing. It’s treated as a normal part of self-care, like going to the gym or eating well.’
However Ellie, who also counts sound baths, meditation and exercise as ‘crucial’ for self-care, and runs an Instagram account promoting mental health (@ellielhecht), notes that there is still a stigma around therapy for men – blaming Britain’s ‘laddish’ culture.
‘The UK is one of the worst places for men. There is a lot of toxic masculinity that makes it challenging to open up and be vulnerable.
‘Guys I hear from are drinkers, they’re City boys who are successful but are not looking after themselves. The drinking culture in London is very toxic. It’s hard for them to talk about struggling, it’s seen as a weakness.’
This male reluctance to discuss therapy is something Star Freudenberg has experienced. Now 32, she decided eight years ago that she would only date men who were open to it. Yet an initial series of ‘disaster dates’ taught her that not everyone subscribed to her philosophy.
‘One date said he wasn’t interested in ‘being healed’. I didn’t bother pointing out how much alcohol he drank that night.
‘Another man talked about his use of tranquillisers to help with anxiety and sleep issues, as a preference to talking to anyone about his problems.
‘Others zoned out. While one chap swore blind he was open to it, intuition told me it was just because he wanted to sleep with me,’ she recalls.
‘If a man is against therapy, it shows me he is unwilling to grow as a person and is emotionally immature. Like it or not, everyone has history and baggage; this isn’t a sign of weakness – life shapes us. Being open to unpacking the baggage and healing from traumatic episodes in our lives is a big sign of strength and should be embraced.’
Lydia Newberry, 22, has been in therapy since she was a teenager and believes it has been pivotal in identifying her negative behaviour in relationships.
‘My first therapy session was a birthday present from my mum. I was 18, and I’d just had a bad break-up. I’d been experiencing depression and anxiety,’ says the art student, who lives in north-west London.
Lydia Newberry, 22, has been in therapy since she was a teenager and believes it has been pivotal in identifying her negative behaviour in relationships
‘I started dating at 15 and discovered I had ‘avoidant attachment style’ of dating, meaning I was quick to leave when in a relationship and I was very scared of the idea of a long-term romantic relationship.
‘In therapy I could deal with how I behaved in friendships and in close relationships.’
Lydia has been seeing a therapist for four years, and values the contribution it has made to her life ‘immensely’. It’s why she has ‘no hesitation’ in bringing it up on first dates. And unlike Star, who is ten years her senior, her experience is that today’s 20-something men are largely receptive.
‘When I’m meeting someone for the first time I mention quite quickly that I have therapy. I will ask them if they’ve ever done or considered it.
‘For guys my age, my experience is that, for them, it is socially acceptable. They react to it the same way they would if I said I was into crochet or yoga. It’s a positive for my generation and that’s down to a growing awareness about mental health on social media. The men I’m attracted to lean into it naturally.’
But what about those who aren’t open to therapy? ‘I find my relationships in the past have been healthier with people who have been in therapy, so I am not particularly willing to start a new relationship without,’ Lydia says.
‘I appreciate it is expensive and not everyone can afford it, but dating someone who is emotionally mature and in touch with their feelings is important to me and it’s a huge green flag when they have had therapy.
‘I’m careful when they haven’t because there is less knowledge of their unconscious beliefs and behaviours in a relationship. It can affect the dynamic in subtle ways and go under the radar until it’s too late.
‘On one date, a guy made fun of me for having therapy. Needless to say, there wasn’t a second.’
Lydia adds that she isn’t looking to ‘fix’ anyone and knows that when a relationship isn’t working – her longest is ten months – it’s time to end it.
‘Therapy can help all relationships. A relationship is a vulnerable place and I do ask myself: ‘How am I reacting right now?’ Before blaming the other person, I can see what triggers me first. Cognitive behavioural therapy [which helps people recognise and change unhelpful thinking patterns] definitely helped me be less reactive, more empathetic and less judgmental.’
Yet relationship coach Mila Smith (single-to-couple.com) warns that there is such a thing as ‘too much’ therapy when it comes to dating.
‘For a mentally healthy person, therapy or coaching is meant to provide guidance or a framework,’ she says. ‘However, if taken too literally, it may lead to even more confusion and suppression of naturally healthy behaviours, like moderate risk-taking, learning by doing, appreciating the value of compromise and free thinking in our everyday life relationships. All extremes are unhelpful and even dangerous.
‘Therapy tends to focus on identifying past trauma and issues; understanding how you came to be the way you are.
‘It’s not unusual for some people to choose such revelations as an excuse to absolve themselves from any responsibility or even use it to their advantage to enable them to manipulate others.’
It’s an experience Benedicta Owusu, 21, knows only too well.
‘I have dated men who have been through rigorous therapy and they were very self-aware of how their actions affected our relationship but not how it affected me,’ says Benedicta, who is studying politics and international relations at York University. ‘You don’t want them to think about themselves to the extent that they’re too hyper-aware about only themselves.
‘If a guy has had too much it’s a no. My reasoning is if they’ve had therapy for years and life isn’t getting better or they are falling back into the same patterns, then you need to ask yourself why? If they have been having therapy for a period of, say, three-four years, without any progress, then this rings warning bells for me.
‘But I would rather date a man who is self-aware than one who is not. It’s the lesser of two evils.’ Benedicta – who relies on journalling (writing down her thoughts and experiences) to practice self-care – first dated a man who had been in therapy when she was in her late teens.
‘It was a revelation to discover they respected and listened to my feelings. After that, I started to actively seek out guys who had experience of therapy.
‘When a guy I’m romantically involved with has had therapy he is genuinely interested in my feelings. He is more likely to understand why how he has behaved has made me upset.
‘The top qualities I look for are never about physical attributes. My checklist will always include their mental health, and how they look after it… It’s difficult for me to care for someone, day-in, day-out, who is confused about why their actions mean their life is panning out in a certain way. As a girlfriend, it can be hard to fill in for the position of a therapist to explain these things to someone you love.’
Perhaps this is the crux of why Gen Z women – who, unlike many of their mothers, have been brought up from birth to believe their own wants and needs are just as important as a man’s – are so insistent on their romantic partners being open to therapy.
Because what motivated young woman has the time to play therapist herself to an overgrown man-baby who couldn’t articulate his own feelings if they walked up and hit him in the face?
Bridget Jones, take note.
