Some good news, spring officially started last Thursday, which means it’s also officially the time to pop on the Marigolds and get cleaning.
There’s nothing more satisfying than wading through the wardrobe and sorting out that ‘drawer of doom’ – admit it, you’ve got one too.
But what happens if you live with someone who just won’t let go of their piles of ‘precious’ possessions? Where do you start if you are more Marie Kondo and they’re, well, Stig of the Dump?
One of the UK’s leading organisers and author of What’s Your Excuse For Not Clearing Your Clutter?, Juliet Landau-Pope, says storing up a lifetime of stuff can be a major source of tension between couples.
‘Clutter is a subjective concept,’ she says. ‘We all have different levels of tolerance to how much stuff we want in our homes and that can cause problems. Your partner might be delighted with the towering pile of books on his bedside cabinet, but you can’t sleep if there’s so much as a piece of paper on yours.’
The problem is clutter can accumulate until it reaches a tipping point. ‘All of a sudden, your house is overfull and you’re wasting time searching for things,’ she says – or worse, you end up buying duplicates of items you already own, but just can’t find in the ‘cupboard of chaos’, under the stairs.
It’s not surprising that a messy house can breed resentment. Decluttering, on the other hand, liberates you not only from the chaos, but frustration towards your other half for creating it. It’s a win-win, improving your living environment and your marriage too. But it can be fractious.
Read on for Juliet’s tips on how to clear the clutter, without binning your relationship too!
Juliet Landau-Pope, one of the UK’s leading professional organisers, says the problem with clutter is that it can accumulate until it reaches tipping point
1. Understand clutter is never just clutter
It’s not the stuff he doesn’t want to lose, but what it represents. Clutter is about more than being untidy. Possessions often embody a tangle of emotions – memories, hopes, dreams, ambitions.
He won’t chuck that old suede coat because it reminds him of the thrill he got buying it 20 years ago. Those dust-gathering history books he’s already read? He might want to read them again!
‘Resist the temptation to judge,’ says Juliet. ‘Don’t assume something is worthless because it seems that way to you. It’s all subjective. While some can clear out with gusto, others really need to think about things very carefully before they let go.’
2. Be prepared to compromise
Before you order that skip, acknowledge it’s unlikely you’re going to make him go from messy to minimalistic in minutes.
‘Ideally, there will always be a compromise’, says Juliet, ‘both over what you agree to let go, and the end goal. It’s important to create a shared vision of your home. It might vary for different rooms.
You might agree to have a less cluttered living room, because that’s a space you share, but be a bit more relaxed about the spare room or study he spends more time in than you.’
3. Go for collaboration, not coercion
While it’s tempting to grab a bin bag and get stuck in while he’s at work, it has to be done together. And you should never throw away your partner’s stuff without them knowing. ‘It should not be something one person imposes on the other,’ says Juliet.
So where to start? Juliet suggests a mini-project in a neutral zone, like the kitchen, tackling something with no personal meaning. Frankly, nobody needs 52 chipped mugs, so, ‘come to a figure together, and then think about the ones you like the most’.
Never talk about ‘chucking out’ or ‘binning’ items but instead ask your partner if they’re ready to ‘let go’, says Juliet Landau-Pope
4. Aim for gradual change
It takes years to build up clutter and it’s unlikely you’re going to clear it all out in a weekend, especially if you can’t agree on what should go. ‘It’s a lifestyle change, not a project,’ as Juliet puts it.
Instead of whirling manically through the whole house, begin with the things which impact the most on your daily routine.
Break it down to tasks, like decluttering the bedroom, so you have a soothing space at the end of the day, or tidying the hall, so you have a positive feeling when you come home.
‘You may reach a point where you get stuck because you simply can’t agree,’ Juliet says. ‘That’s when it can be helpful to consult a professional.’
Or, there’s nothing wrong with cheating and storing some things in the garage, or attic, as an interim stage to letting go.
5. But tackle paperwork ruthlessly
‘Dealing with paperwork can be daunting because it piles up so easily,’ says Juliet, and while some financial documents can be destroyed after seven years, you may hold on to other paperwork longer.
‘If in doubt, it’s check with your lawyer or accountant,’ she says. Invest in a shredder.
‘Some people find it strangely meditative to shred paper, but if there’s too much to handle, you can hire a company to shred papers on site. Then when signing up for new services, go paperless if possible.’
6. Mind your language
Never talk about ‘chucking out’ or ‘binning’ items but instead ask your partner if they’re ready to ‘let go’, says Juliet.
Get them on board with the vision of an upgraded living environment and don’t lose your cool if they can’t part with their tatty old trainer collection. If they feel you’re ‘having a go’ at them, you risk the process grinding to a bad-tempered halt.
‘Compassion is much more motivating than criticism,’ says Juliet. ‘If someone feels judged, they’re going to get defensive and dig in their heels.’
7. Be curious
It might make no sense to you that your other half won’t part with those jeans they haven’t squeezed into since 1997, but understanding their motivation will help your relationship. ‘It can seem so irrational,’ says Juliet.
‘We hold on to stuff because of memories and because those things remind us of an aspect of our identity, or an aspiration. Not just, ‘I might use that one day’, but, ‘one day I might be the kind of person who can wear that jacket/use those paint brushes/read those books’,’ she says. Find out what’s in your partner’s head, not their (crammed) drawers.
8. Find other ways of keeping memories
If we’re keeping something because we’re afraid of losing the memory associated with it, we need to find other ways to hold on to it, says Juliet.
Arranging holiday photos in a book might mean you can part with the souvenirs cluttering the windowsill. Investing in digital forms of music means you can give away – or at least store away – piles of CDs.
Writing a journal can preserve memories so physical objects don’t have to. ‘You could write about, or record yourself talking about, a list of books you’ve read; music you’ve listened to; holidays taken – then you don’t necessarily need to keep all the souvenirs,’ she says.
9. Accentuate the benefits of a clear-out
It’s never been easier to sell things online, and it can be hugely motivating to turn your trash into cash.
But beware – this can also be a trap, says Juliet. ‘Holding on to things that you plan to sell is actually one of the most common causes of clutter. People think, ‘I’m going to put that on eBay, or I’m going to do a boot sale’, but never do.’
She encourages donating to charity shops, which is quicker and boosts your wellbeing, if not your wallet.
If an item has been especially cherished, give it to a charity that holds special meaning for you. Donating to a cancer charity while thinking of a relative, or an animal rescue, in the name of a beloved pet, means you’ll associate it with the benefit it brings, rather than the reluctance you felt on giving it away.
‘You can get a great deal of satisfaction from knowing something you’ve loved is going to make a big difference in someone else’s life,’ says Juliet.
10. Start a family declutter culture
‘We spend a lot of time in our society teaching children how to buy things, but we don’t always invest in helping them learn how to declutter,’ Juliet says.
‘If they bring home a pile of paintings from school, put them on display for a week so they have the satisfaction of seeing them, then let them pick a favourite to keep and recycle the rest,’ she says.
Parents worry this will lower their self-esteem, but kids care less than you think about a piece of pottery they threw together in an art class. Instead, you’re teaching them to value the process of learning art, rather than the product and the benefit of a streamlined space, which is better for focus and mental health.’
