Dear Jana,
My husband has developed a ‘nocturnal lifestyle’ since starting a high-pressure finance job and he’s developing a questionable relationship with cocaine.
We got married young, and back in university we were totally in sync. We had the same goals, same dreams, same Netflix binge habits.
But ever since we entered the real world, we’ve drifted in wildly different directions.
While I’m building a steady career and trying to maintain some sense of normalcy, he’s sleeping all day, partying all night and surrounding himself with a group of loud, soulless finance bros I can’t stand.
I feel like I’ve lost the person I fell in love with.
Is there any way to bring him back to reality, or do I need to accept that we’ve grown into completely different people?
Lost.
‘It sounds like your husband has already left the chat,’ Jana tells a young woman whose party-loving finance bro husband seems to care more about cocaine than his marriage (stock image)
Dear Lost,
I hate to say it, but it sounds like your husband has already left the chat – just not in the official, paperwork kind of way.
You married a guy who shared your goals, dreams and ability to function during daylight hours. Now, you’re stuck watching him trade all that for all-nighters, finance bros, and… questionable life choices. Nope. He’s a goner. Sorry.
Can you bring him back? Maybe. But only if he wants to come back.
And as someone who dabbled in that world myself in my twenties, trust me: sometimes, for some people, this phase has to just run its course. Some people need to burn through the chaos before they realise what actually matters in life.
Unpopular opinion, I know. But true nonetheless.
Right now, it sounds like you’re the only one invested in saving something he’s not even showing up for.
The bigger question is: Do you actually want to stick around waiting for a version of him that might not return? Because love is great and all, but it shouldn’t feel like babysitting a wayward investment banker.
Jana also has frank advice for a woman who gets a UTI every time she has sex with her fiancé
Plus, I’m yet to see a finance bro return from that sort of lifestyle permanently. Sure, they may be able to calm down for a few years but, sadly, for many of them it’s in their blood.
Perhaps it was always there, bubbling away under the surface, and now he has the funds and the ridiculous title to let his real self run free.
Also, I hate to say it, but here is another clear example of why you should never settle down early. Live a little and see who you are as an adult on your own two feet before you make such big, important decisions.
You’re not crazy for wanting more. And you’re definitely not crazy for realising you deserve more.
So if he’s checked out, maybe it’s time you do, too. Sorry.
Dear Jana,
I need you to tell me if my body is trying to warn me about my fiancé. Every time we sleep together, I end up with a UTI. Every. Single. Time.
Every trip to the doctors for antibiotics makes me begin to hate him. At first, I thought it was just bad luck. But after more than a year of this, I’m starting to wonder if my body is literally rejecting this man.
I’m doing all the stuff you’re supposed to do, peeing straight after sex etc., but no matter what I do, my body keeps waging war against this relationship.
To make matters worse, my fiancé is… not exactly Prince Charming. He’s fun, but also kind of lazy and can be sloppy with personal hygiene. (I once had to ask him to shower after coming home from the gym.)
And when I brought up the UTI situation, his response was, ‘Huh, weird. Maybe your body’s sensitive?’ No concern, no adjustment, just a ‘that’s a you problem’.
Now I’m spiralling. Is this just an unfortunate run of bad luck, or is my body trying to send me a message my brain isn’t ready to hear? Am I in a toxic relationship in the most literal sense?
Sincerely, Burning with Questions (and Other Things).
Getting a UTI every time you have penetrative sex is a sign to run for the hills – especially if a man is unwilling to accept his hygiene might be an issue (stock image posed by models)
Dear Burning with Questions (and Other Things),
Firstly, your boyfriend is a d***.
And second… look, I’m no doctor, but if your body breaks out in protest every single time you sleep with this man, I’d say it’s trying to tell you something.
UTIs aren’t some mystical curse handed down by the dating gods; they’re often a sign that something (or someone) isn’t quite right.
And given that your boyfriend treats basic hygiene like an optional hobby, I have a strong suspicion we’ve found the culprit. (Also, embrace the ick in this whole situation, because seriously… it’s a massive ick!)
The fact that he dismissed your concerns with a shrug is the real red flag here. A decent partner hears, ‘Hey, I’m in physical pain after every time we sleep together,’ and responds with concern, not apathy.
The bare minimum in a relationship should be basic cleanliness and basic empathy – and he’s failing both.
So yes, this could be a run of bad luck. But it could also be your body screaming, Run. Now.
And honestly? I’d listen.
My body has certainly never failed me in that department. If you’re showing these symptoms, there’s always a cause.
Dig deep because I think you already know the answer.
Dear Jana,
I need you to talk me down from a full-blown existential crisis.
I recently did something stupid. I deep-dived into my boyfriend’s past. And by ‘deep-dived’, I mean I spent an unhealthy amount of time stalking his ex-girlfriend on Instagram.
And it turns out she’s a goddess.
She’s a model, she fosters dogs, she’s got abs you could grate cheese on and lives in an apartment I could only dream of. Oh, and she runs marathons.
Meanwhile, I’m over here struggling to drink enough water and remember to take my vitamins.
And now, every time my boyfriend looks at me, I can’t shake the thought: Did he downgrade? He’s never given me a reason to doubt him, and I know comparison is the thief of joy, but knowing that and feeling that are two very different things.
So, how do I stop this irrational insecurity from ruining a perfect relationship?
Anonymous.
Dear Anonymous,
Why, why, whhhhy would you do that to yourself? (…says someone who has also done that to herself.)
First of all, let’s take a deep breath and step away from the Instagram rabbit hole. That place is a carefully curated hallucination full of lies.
Jana gives advice to a woman who can’t stop Instagram stalking her boyfriend’s ‘goddess’ of an ex
Because no one’s posting their bad angles, their existential breakdowns over laundry, or the nights they eat peanut butter straight from the jar while watching reality TV. (Trust me, even the marathon-running, dog-fostering goddesses have those nights.)
In fact, just last week at brunch a friend told me she ran into her ex with the new girlfriend and she looked nothing like the woman she’d stalked on Instagram.
She said she’d never felt such relief. Slightly evil relief, sure, but relief nonetheless.
Now I’m not advising you to stalk the woman to see if her Insta matches real life, but what I’m trying to say is, take Instagram representations with a healthy grain of salt.
I know gorgeous women who are absolutely bonkers (sorry, sisterhood). So perhaps she was bats*** and you are the breath of fresh (sane) air he so desperately needed.
So enough with this whole ‘did he downgrade?’ spiral. Let’s flip the script. Your boyfriend isn’t with his ex anymore; he’s with you. Full stop.
Not because you tricked him. Not because he lost a bet. But because he genuinely wants to be. Attraction isn’t a checklist of accomplishments: it’s chemistry, connection and all the tiny, irreplaceable things that make you special.
Good lord, I once cried over a man who was bald and short. Why? Because he lit a room up with his presence. In fact, I still get a little misty-eyed over that man.
You said it yourself: He has never given you a reason to doubt him. So don’t let your brain create problems where there are none. The real glow-up is realising you’re the catch here.
So jog on, and just enjoy your happy relationship.
